New Years Letter

When I was a young adult and lived in Washington DC as a nanny I saw beautiful home, prestigious jobs, nice cars, and other things the world would say was important. That is what I wanted a nice home, nice car, vacation home, to travel and have it all. I knew with hard work, schooling, and perseverance I would have those things.  There was a time with my blinder on I kept my eye on the goal and didn’t care what I did to get there or who I hurt. In 2000 I graduated with my Bachelor’s in Social Science (Business Administration) with a 3.48 GPA and that was working 40 plus hours a week. I wanted to get a job working for an international company and within 7 years I was. My future looked good and my goal of a corner office on a high rise in New York was realistic.

Then the hands of fate stepped in, and in June of 2009 I lost my job. Shouldn’t say I lost it I was fired. In all my days of working I have never been fired, been let go but never because of “work performance”.  I was not discouraged because my work history was that good. Yet, after 6 months of looking for a job and nothing back to school I went and became a Nursing Assistant. I found a job at a nursing home cleaning up and caring for others. My first few months there my attitude was horrible and quite inflated. During this time I was in the word of God and read about Joseph and when he was sold into slavery, about Christ serving and washing the feet of his disciples. I was humbled and knew that before God could allow me to move up I had to bloom where I was planted.  In time I began to love my job, the people I worked with, and saw their value. Then management saw my value and began to train me in more administration positions. I knew I was going to move up and begin to obtain the goal I had set earlier.

April 27, 2011 all changed with the news that I had cancer and a few days later was told it was breast cancer. With as small as the lump was in my breast, and catching it early I was sure it would be surgery, a bit of chemo/radiation and back to my normal life. However May 25, 2011 all that changed when more test revealed that the cancer had spread to several spots in my breast and lymph nodes and my surgery for the next day went from a lumpectomy to a mastectomy and lymph nodes removed. A little over a week later I was in the hospital again as I had a high fever and was septic. A few weeks later after a PET scan news that the cancer had spread to my spine, chest, and neck was over whelming to me. For a few weeks I saw my own mortality and realized the things I held dear and my goals sucked. It was like getting a test you studied for only to realize the test given had nothing to do with what you had studied for.

How I prayed that God would pass this cup from me, he would give me a joyful heart; he would change my habits and turn them to his habits. Friends from the Fringe Church prayed over me and anointed me with oil. Mom and I went to Frankenmuth where I bought Christmas ornaments to give away. As I knew that my life could be cut short in a blink of an eye.

Now as I sit here just coming back from a get together with those I went to high school with and see all they have done. I am so proud to call them friends. Yet, that competitiveness that use to eat at me drive me has been redirected. The things I use to see as important are not. What eats at my heart is to see a woman sitting in a chemo chair, fear in her eyes and a longing for something better. When I see that it rips at my heart and tears my soul to shreds and all I want to do is to race over and just hold her close to me. To give her hope that it is not the end, that it is just a different path. God has been so faithful to me and I know he wants to be more active in the lives of others as well. That is what has changed in my life these last few years my heart has turned from self to others.

Who know where God is leading me and where he wants me to go. Perhaps I too am like the painting of Thomas Cole, “The Journey of Life” and am in my senior year of life where I no longer want to navigate my boat to some cloud castle but be directed by God to his values of life.

The Train

While taking a train to Washington DC, while on observation deck I could look forward and see the engine and could look back and see the end of the long Amtrak Train.

Recently I have found my emotions playing catch up with everything that has happened to me. There are days as I am sitting at home it dawns on me I have cancer, or had treatment. Then I am taken back to those first raw emotions again. At first I chose to fight it and just shake them off, yet my spirit wouldn’t let me. It was a few weeks ago that the image of the train came in my mind. My engine and several cars have gone through the cancer, the treatment and remission. However parts of my mind and spirit cars haven’t. They are just entering into those days and are just now experiencing those emotions for the first time. I then chose to let my mind and spirit experience there journey with love and support. It’s clear to me that to have complete healing and wholeness my entire body, mind, and spirit needs to travel this rail in their own time and space. I need to give permission for me to cry, vent, laugh, and heal.

I read a book by Joyce Myers, “Battle Field of the Mind” in it she shares that if I don’t allow God to help me with my mind and emotions then Satan can gain a foot hold. If I don’t work on my emotional state then true healing can occur.

Ephesians 6: 10- 18

10 A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. 12 For we care not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.
13 Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. 14 Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. 15 For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared.6 In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil.17 Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
18 Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.

 

Down the Rabbit Hole: The Scouting Report

Down the Rabbit Hole: The Scouting Report:   Numbers 13: 25-33 NLT 25 After exploring the land for forty days, the men returned 26 to Moses, Aaron, and the whole community o...

The Scouting Report

 

Numbers 13: 25-33 NLT

²⁵ After exploring the land for forty days, the men returned ²⁶ to Moses, Aaron, and the whole community of Israel at Kadesh in the wilderness of Paran. They reported to the whole community what they had seen and showed them the fruit they had taken from the land. ²⁷ This was their report to Moses: “We entered the land you sent us to explore, and it is indeed a bountiful country—a land flowing with milk and honey. Here is the kind of fruit it produces. ²⁸ But the people living there are powerful, and their towns are large and fortified. We even saw giants there, the descendants of Anak! ²⁹ The Amalekites live in the Negev, and the Hittites, Jebusites, and Amorites live in the hill country. The Canaanites live along the coast of the Mediterranean Sea^[a] and along the Jordan Valley.”³⁰ But Caleb tried to quiet the people as they stood before Moses. “Let’s go at once to take the land,” he said. “We can certainly conquer it!”³¹ But the other men who had explored the land with him disagreed. “We can’t go up against them! They are stronger than we are!” ³² So they spread this bad report about the land among the Israelites: “The land we traveled through and explored will devour anyone who goes to live there. All the people we saw were huge. ³³ We even saw giants^[b] there, the descendants of Anak. Next to them we felt like grasshoppers, and that’s what they thought, too!”

 

On July 13, 2011 I received my scouting report my cancer was downgraded to stage 3 from 4. The spots on my spine were gone and the lymph node in my groin area was only an infection. The doctor sat with me and explained the treatment in detail and all the possible side effects. She said that everyone at the Cancer Center would be there for me and assist me through this leg of my journey. She had shard that they were hopeful that the removal of my left breast and lymph nodes removed all the cancer. As I look back and read my journals memories flood back to me, the unknown, the fear, the out of control, and knowing I was going to take medications that would harm my body only to save it. My medical doctor said, “Chemo would take me to the brink of death”.  I wrote that I wished I could take the money I had and just go away and never come back and face what I had to face.

While reading Numbers I could understand what the Israelites were facing, there were great reports about the land and yet the land was full of giants. Although the report from my oncologist held great news it also was a thread of the giants I would be facing myself. I had prayed that God would take this cup from me but also prayed that he would give me the power to go through this with courage, honor, and tenacity. I had not wanted to be like the Israelites when they questioned God, nor Job, and others in the bible who doubted whether God could really let his people down. I knew through past events in my own life that he would never allow something to happen to me I could not bear, and because he did allow this cancer in my body it must be that he has faith in me and knows that I will succeed in all I do. With trust like that from God what else can I do by cross my own Jordon River and claim the promise land he has given me giants and all. For through Christ I can do all things, besides how many times do I read in the bible to “FEAR NOT” No, I will not allow fear to be the rudder on my sail boat but faith, and know that God is the wind that will take me to new adventures that await us.

FEAR

Is. 41: 10:  Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

I have had the opportunity to get to know other women who have or had breast cancer; the one common thread is fear. They find a lump and because of fear do nothing, or they see their doctor and live in terror. When I found my lump fear didn’t dictate my path, it did not drive me to my destination. I did have moments were fear sat next to me, was a companion of mine. However, we were never close or best friends. Fear helped me and I looked to it to help me in my path through cancer.

Fear was never more than a one dance guy, as my dance card was full of hope, joy, love, patience, and trust. I was not going to be discouraged for I know God would never allow something to happen to me that I could not bear. I have faith in Him and know he has never left me.

Yes, when I read of others cancer journey and re-occurrences it does take me back some and I wonder what my future holds. However, even without my cancer my future is not known. I can allow this to make me stronger or weaker, better or bitter, I choose to be victorious and to stand where God has planted me proudly and in faith.

I can’t imagine my life any other way.

Down the Rabbit Hole: Hurricane Warning

The hurricane is an amazing storm, over the years weathermen, have been able to watch it form, develop, and make land fall. They can do a pretty good job at the predictions but when the storm hits the shore line the amount of damage it will cause or create is seen after it passes over.

March of last year I had a hurricane warning of my own. A storm was forming and as it approached my shoreline it looked monstrous and consuming. I stood on the shore watching it churn and preparing myself for its land fall.

It hit with such force it knocked me down, it felt as if I was blindsided and tackled by some 400lb linebacker. Laying there was only one thing I could do but get back up. Again I found myself on the ground stunned, sore, and tired. Laying there for a moment it brought to mind me watching my first Navy and Notre Dame Football game. The Navy players were so small compared to the other team. They would double up and triple up on a single player. Yet, what impressed me was how they would get up and continue to play as if they were winning the game. Another athlete came to mind, Dale Earnhardt Sr., there was a auto race where he was 3 laps down and was pitting on the back side of the track. He had everything against him, but with his tenacity and pit crew he won the race. I knew what needed to be done and I got back up again. This time learning from mistakes, moving a side to miss a tackle or learning to read a play. I formed my team around me to help me beat this cancer. I was the little engine that could and failure was not an option.

My doctors continue to be impressed with my response to treatment and surprised myself.

  The storm approached and made landfall, it tried to ravage me with its rain, hail, winds, and high waters however, as it passed over me. I can look at the damages and repair what needs to be fixed. I know not what the future holds for me, I could never get cancer again, and yet it could re-occur. Sitting here there are choices that are at my table. I can be BITTER or BETTER, I choose BETTER, I will rejoice in the Lord with all my heart all my soul, and my entire mind, with the storms churning around me.

 

FEAR

Is. 41: 10:  Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

I have had the opportunity to get to know other women who have or had breast cancer; the one common thread is fear. They find a lump and because of fear do nothing, or they see their doctor and live in terror. When I found my lump fear didn’t dictate my path, it did not drive me to my destination. I did have moments were fear sat next to me, was a companion of mine. However, we were never close or best friends. Fear helped me and I looked to it to help me in my path through cancer.

Fear was never more than a one dance guy, as my dance card was full of hope, joy, love, patience, and trust. I was not going to be discouraged for I know God would never allow something to happen to me that I could not bear. I have faith in Him and know he has never left me.

Yes, when I read of others cancer journey and re-occurrences it does take me back some and I wonder what my future holds. However, even without my cancer my future is not known. I can allow this to make me stronger or weaker, better or bitter, I choose to be victorious and to stand where God has planted me proudly and in faith.

I can’t imagine my life any other way.

Down the Rabbit Hole: Nothing can Separate me from God.

Down the Rabbit Hole: Nothing can Separate me from God.: Romans 8:38-39 New Living Translation (NLT) 38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death n...

Nothing can Separate me from God.

Romans 8:38-39

New Living Translation (NLT)

³⁸ And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[a] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. ³⁹ No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

The knowledge that I had an illness that could lead to death did not frighten me like some may think it should. Instead it conjured up memories from the past like angles whispering in my ear of others who faced death and beat it. I thought of Corrie Ten Boom, how she was about my age when she was sent to a concentration camp for helping Jews hide from the Nazi’s. Joni Eareckson Tada, as a teen she jumped into a lake and her life changed forever. She has even journeyed through cancer. It has made her better and not bitter.

I may not be in control of what happens to me but I can with the help of God be in control of how I handle it. My biggest fears were that I would have a me attitude and expect others to rise and meet my unrealistic needs. So I made myself bake and give my bake goods away, write letters, knitted scarfs and hats that I could give away to those who did not have any or to show my application for all they do. It gave me a sense of worth and value knowing I could make other people happy and meet their needs.

My fears of death were slowly driven away and the knowledge that nothing even death can separate me from God. In fact when I do die I win, as nothing can separate me from God. This is power, this is courage, this is the brace I use when I stand against my fears and look at them. They have no power over me and thus can’t swing me into the pit of despair where the focus is off God and turned inward to me. This can make me better or bitter I choose better.

If I can continue to keep the focus off of me and shine it on God and all he has done and will continue to do then all this has been for the good. I look at all the times I have shared my faith with others shown them that God loves them with all his heart and that if he can do all he has done for me. Imagine all he will do for you. Yet how can they know Gods love if only through my words, but through my actions, my gifts, and my time. This cancer has never been about me but all the things God has done and will continue to do.

Down the Rabbit Hole:

Down the Rabbit Hole:

Down the Rabbit Hole: Stormy Weather

Down the Rabbit Hole: Stormy Weather: Matthew 14:25-31 25 Early in the morning, Jesus went out to the disciples. He walked on the lake. 26 They saw him walking on th...

Stormy Weather

Matthew 14:25-31

²⁵ Early in the morning, Jesus went out to the disciples. He walked on the lake. ²⁶ They saw him walking on the lake and were terrified. "It's a ghost!" they said. And they cried out in fear. ²⁷ Right away Jesus called out to them, "Be brave! It is I. Don't be afraid."²⁸ "Lord, is it you?" Peter asked. "If it is, tell me to come to you on the water." ²⁹ "Come," Jesus said. So Peter got out of the boat. He walked on the water toward Jesus. ³⁰ But when Peter saw the wind, he was afraid. He began to sink. He cried out, "Lord! Save me!" ³¹ Right away Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "Your faith is so small!" he said. "Why did you doubt me?"

On Wednesday with my oncologist appointment I received news that I did not want to hear. I prayed that God would have the results of my test all be good. I would not have to have a biopsy on a node on my Thyroid and my MUGA scan wouldn’t raise any concerns. Both did not happen.

I want to sit in a corner and cry to God and let him know it’s not fair, why are you allowing this to happen to me? What did I do that again I receive bad news and on the heels of my one year anniversary of my Breast Cancer. Over the past year I have given up so much and changed so much that this should not be happening. Yet, I think of the story of the cross stich and how the back has no real rhyme or pattern to it, it’s when you look at it from the top that the pattern is seen as it is to be. I understand that is my life, I am just looking at it from the bottom and need to put my faith in God knowing he will not allow things to happen I can’t handle. I have to have faith in Him as Peter did when he stepped out of the boat.

The test results are beneficial to me and my doctors, it guilds them in the treatment that will be given. However, the test results can’t direct my emotional well health. Now as time has progressed it has become self-evidence those test result could be the ring in my nose and then used to lead me around where the cancer wants me to go. This can’t happen and although I may not be in control of situation and test results, I am in control of how I will react to them. Like Peter I to have climbed out of the boat, like Peter the storm and waves are crashing about me. However I will not look down or take my eyes off of Christ.

Fighting cancer has become a full time effort not only physically, but mentally and spiritually as well. Each day I prepare myself through eating right, exercising, keeping in the word of God, and being active in the lives of those around me. When people call me a survivor it’s an honor and I appreciate the jester. However survivor just doesn’t fit me and I don’t like the way it looks on me in the mirror. When I sit back and think about it Warrior fits better. Warrior is proactive and defensive, trained in combat and is prepared for what awaits him/her. As I enter each room of the building I find myself I go in prepared for the worse and thankful when all is clear.

I am taking an active role in my health as Peter did when he stepped out of the boat to walk toward Jesus, and like Peter the storm and waves crash about my head and feet however unlike Peter I will keep my eyes on Jesus. For without him I am nothing and could not continue on fighting my cancer like a warrior he has let me be.

Down the Rabbit Hole: FALLING

Down the Rabbit Hole: FALLING: I was walking about on a narrow trail when suddenly the ground gave way and down I fell again through holes that lead upward. When in midf...

FALLING

I was walking about on a narrow trail when suddenly the ground gave way and down I fell again through holes that lead upward. When in midflight I yelled out stop not again. So here I hang suspended in mid fall. I am neither up or down, on the ground or in the sky. Suspended, the air from above is warm and fresh, the air around me is a musty dirt smell, and the breeze from the bottom is cool and a bit refreshing of the hint of a cool spring.

Why did I fall again, what did I do wrong. I was following the path and was to meet up with those in my group in a couple of days. Now I’m here again like Alice falling down a rabbit hole. This is not where I want to be, this is not what I had planned happening to me.

I can’t tell how long I’ve been here, or how long will I stay. Afraid to move, breath, and talk the ramifications of that could be fatal. Noises now begin to register groaning, dirt falling about me hitting the sides of the hole and down deep to the abyss that awaits me. Darkness now encompasses me, and the sweat begins to form on my brow. I can feel things crawling on my skin, little feet and slimy things move across me like a road way. I am afraid and start to look down; I fall a bit and then look up. My head is like a radio station that is not getting one strong signal but hundreds of voice and music filling the void. My breath becomes deep and fast, my heart begins to race out of control. Am I lost, is this it?

Then suddenly a light no larger than a pin head is beside me. A fresh breeze is felt next to me. I look again and the light is getting larger and I hear voice beyond the light. Suddenly a large popping noise is heard; dirt and rocks fall down and up the hole that I am suspended in. The light blinds me, and then the voice. “I will never leave you, nor forsake you. I am here by your side. I am here near you. You are not alone.”

I can bear the place I am, I can wait on the Lord and see where he is taking me. I lean in his arms and rest my hopes, fears, and dreams in his lap.

The Room

There was a time when I had choices and could enter a room on my own accord and choose what path that my life would take. I think that the Greeks had it best with all their gods with human frailties. For there are days I think my life is but  a pawn in a gods hand to do with me as he/she seeks amusement watching the situations that unfurl as my journey goes. When I accomplish one mission, I am picked up and placed in another.

It is even more frustrating when you do everything your supposed to do and more and get test results stating you just didn’t do enough or it didn’t work. There are times when I want to quit, hang it up, and just sit with rose colored glasses on. I dislike having cancer it has taken so much from me, my job, freedom, health, and much more. No matter how hard I try there is no real security that all will end well. I may go through all of this and end up in a room with only a bed, dresser and all my earthly belongings about me, unable to do even the basics to care for myself. I open that door and see perhaps my future and it gives me chills. Then I open other doors and see me battle this for years and it taking away my strength cell by cell and in time I am a wasted away. Again I shut that door. Some doors have happier endings but there is always the dark storm clouds seen in the distance. It looks bleak no matter what I do. So all I can do it sit, wait upon the Lord. Proverbs 3: 5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. God doesn’t promise the path will be easy but he will be with you. Joshua 1: 5 b-6a I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will not fail you or abandon you. Be strong and courageous… When I sit in the room and wait on God, he comes in like a small refreshing breeze opening the door I should go into. Sometimes that door is like the Wizard of Oz, like when Dorothy opens the door and everything is in vivid color. There are other times that it is dark and stormy. Each time as I enter into the next phase of my journey I do it with praise in my heart and singing on my lips to a great God. He is unlike the Greek gods who toy with their human counter parts. He has demonstrated time and time again how faithful he is to those who love him. Why should I wallow in my own self-pity and cry out what is fair. When his own son was given so freely for me and his life ended so tragically. Easter is upon us and hat one day gives me hope. I need to keep the big picture in place, even if I lose my life I gain it. The cancer can take me to deaths door and I can cross over. Cancer may think it has won, yet it is I that has won. So death where is your victory where is your sting. I can look my cancer in the face and say with much boldness and laugh.

So this is what it is like to be me with Cancer, each day I go through this process a living Psalm of David again and again, each day ending the same way with me praising God in the highest for my life and all he has given me.  The road was never promised to be easy, but he did promise me I would never go it alone.

FEELINGS

We had reached another mountain top in my journey with Cancer. The view was spectacular and could see for miles in all directions. Being so high, clouds were drifting under my feet and it felts as if I were walking on them. That night we sang and shared stories. We had trapped a few rabbits and with luck we found some wild carrots and onions. What a dinner we had. My puppy was getting bigger as the days went by and learning so many cute tricks. I slept in a blanket of peace.

The next day I awoke early to watch the sun rise over the next mountain range we were to cross, beyond them I could see the mighty river were my journey would end. Sorrow slipped in, and tears seemed to roll down my checks. It was hard remembering the many things that had happened in such a short span of time. I had to let go of so much and now as I sat there, knowing the end in sight and reminiscing. I hadn’t sat there long before my puppy had jumped in my lap and started to lick my face so excited to see me. I turned around and there was my guild looking at the sunrise.

“I made this for you, for this moment in your life. What do you think of it?”

Speechless at the time I said without turning, “Why do my emotions seem to be all over the place. Yesterday I was so happy, excited, and jubilant. Today I am melancholy, sad, and remorseful. Why can’t I be happy all the time?”

I could see a smile sweep the guilds face, “Do you think that being happy all the time is normal? What if it never rained or clouds covered the area. What do you think would happen to the earth?”

“Nothing would grow” was my answer.

“Your right, so it is with your emotions. I gave them to you to use wisely, to help direct yourself through life’s journey. Fear, let’s look at that, when a fierce storm threatens, is not fear one of the factors that directs you to take cover and protect yourself or others. Fear is not wrong in itself; it is what you do with it that could make it wrong. If you place an emotion in the place where I should be then it directs your path. If you place fear in it, fear directs your path. What if you placed feelings as your guild to direct you, where do you think it may lead you?”

I thought of this for a while and at first could think of anything bad if I was happy all the time. Isn’t that what God wanted me to be was happy all the time?

“No!” He said, firmly.” I have never said be happy all the time. I have said rejoice and praise me at all times, however I have never said be happy. If you allowed that as your guild then only the things that made you happy would direct you. Not all things that make you happy are good. Emotions are good, as long as you keep a focus on what is your real guild. Look at the sun and he turned around pointed to the moon. Those two things are constant. If it were rainy, snowy, or just cloudy you can’t see the sun or moon but you know they are there. It is the same with your emotions. There are going to be days were you are overcome with sadness, fear, sorrow, it may seem as if I am not with you or have left you.  Yet, like the sun and the moon we are always with you although you may not be able to see or feel me. It is through faith that you must believe I am near and through knowing me you will learn of the great things I have done for those who had faith in me.