The
Roaring Lion
By: Lynne
Lindsay
I Peter
5:8
Be
alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion
looking for someone to devour
One of the hardest part of my cancer hike is
who and when cancer strikes. A few weeks ago at an event we were all eating,
drinking, and laughing as if there wasn’t a care in the world. People recognized
me from the paper and TV and for a moment felt like a balloon free in the air
and dancing with the wind. Then turbulence jerked me around and put me in
storm. I ran into some friends I hadn’t seen in a while. One shared that a
mutual cancer survivor died, the other two shared that their cancer came back
and they were getting treatment again. It rocked me to the quick and I had
wanted to race out of there and come home to where it’s safe. Tears wanted to
break loose and wash me in fear, guilt, and shame. Why God did you let me live,
why did allow so many other people who have families who love them die. I have
no real family, like a husband, children, or grandchildren. It doesn’t seem
fair that those who are needed so much die and I am left on this battle field
to fight an appoint that care nothing on the person it strikes. Then a few days
later were doctor visit and again I looked into a mirror of reality and in the
reflection could see where I had come from and beyond that saw what my life is
now going to be. The unknown a mystery and each step I take is like walking
through a mine field that no one else has been through. Each step I fear is
this my last step will the can blow up and what toile will it take on my body?
As I walked back to the chemotherapy room and said hi to the nurses, I couldn’t
help but notice those in the chairs. Will this be my future or worst yet will I
continue on with my life and forget the events that rocked me?
The days have slipped by and the weeks and
still my mind seemed to be plagued by the furies of Greek mythology. I miss not
working and earning a little bit of a wage and beginning to pave a way where I
can be self-sufficient and not depend on my social security disability. I want
to be free of my worries and fears and return to the place I was before the
cancer. Yet those thoughts would clash with my spirit and with what I know to be
true.
The words fill my heart and then my mind, “Trust
in the Lord, with all your heart!” I
would close my eyes and think back when I was a child in a field next to my
home. On windy days I would run out and close my eyes and fall back into a wind
gust and imagine it to be God. He always seemed to keep me from falling and
would tousle my hair. I would race and play tag with him and we would fall into
the grass and laugh. It was as real to me as being with a friend. I loved
listening to his voice in my ear and the stories he use to tell me. Those
memories now began to flood my mind and a tear fell from my eyes as I asked God
for that relationship we use to have when I was a child.
Then I would hear, “Don’t base your life on
what you have learned, but put your eyes on Me and only Me and I will lead you
through this mine field you are in.” What I know; I know that there is a high
chance my cancer will come back, I know that when cancer comes back it can be
worse than the first time, I know that everyday is uncertain and that bad
things happen to good people and that bad people seem to prosper. This
knowledge can be like vertigo and spiral me out of control into a crash
landing. Yet, like Peter when he stepped out of the boat he was walking on
water. However it was when he looked down that he began to sink. I suddenly
realized that was what I was doing; I had taken my eyes off of God, his Son,
and had quenched the Spirit in me. I had somehow grabbed hold of a rope tide to
a large bolder that was pulling me under and the water was encompassing me.
It was when I opened up to him about my fear,
desires, wants, and anger that my grip on the rope lessoned and in time I could
let it go. Now I stand on the water next to my God and the raging waves
crashing around me, the storm clouds are fearsome, and the storm rages. Yet, I
have peace again and the next leg of my journey I am ready for. I have to not
only rely on my feeling but what I know. I know that God will never give me
more than I can handle. I know that he will never leave me nor forsake me. I
know that I will never be alone. I know that he didn’t spare his own son from
suffering and he will not spare me from suffering as well. I know that
everything could be taken away, including my health. I know that when my time
on this earth is finished he will take my hand and bring me home with Him.
So I say to my cancer again, “Bring it on,
you have no power over me but what I give you. I will not empower you. You will
not defeat me because my God is bigger than you. There may be a time when you
think victory is yours, and you are celebrating but when you turn as I close my
eyes for the last time. I will have the last laugh and Victory will be mine. I
WILL BE VICTORIOUS.
