The Room

There was a time when I had choices and could enter a room on my own accord and choose what path that my life would take. I think that the Greeks had it best with all their gods with human frailties. For there are days I think my life is but  a pawn in a gods hand to do with me as he/she seeks amusement watching the situations that unfurl as my journey goes. When I accomplish one mission, I am picked up and placed in another.

It is even more frustrating when you do everything your supposed to do and more and get test results stating you just didn’t do enough or it didn’t work. There are times when I want to quit, hang it up, and just sit with rose colored glasses on. I dislike having cancer it has taken so much from me, my job, freedom, health, and much more. No matter how hard I try there is no real security that all will end well. I may go through all of this and end up in a room with only a bed, dresser and all my earthly belongings about me, unable to do even the basics to care for myself. I open that door and see perhaps my future and it gives me chills. Then I open other doors and see me battle this for years and it taking away my strength cell by cell and in time I am a wasted away. Again I shut that door. Some doors have happier endings but there is always the dark storm clouds seen in the distance. It looks bleak no matter what I do. So all I can do it sit, wait upon the Lord. Proverbs 3: 5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. God doesn’t promise the path will be easy but he will be with you. Joshua 1: 5 b-6a I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will not fail you or abandon you. Be strong and courageous… When I sit in the room and wait on God, he comes in like a small refreshing breeze opening the door I should go into. Sometimes that door is like the Wizard of Oz, like when Dorothy opens the door and everything is in vivid color. There are other times that it is dark and stormy. Each time as I enter into the next phase of my journey I do it with praise in my heart and singing on my lips to a great God. He is unlike the Greek gods who toy with their human counter parts. He has demonstrated time and time again how faithful he is to those who love him. Why should I wallow in my own self-pity and cry out what is fair. When his own son was given so freely for me and his life ended so tragically. Easter is upon us and hat one day gives me hope. I need to keep the big picture in place, even if I lose my life I gain it. The cancer can take me to deaths door and I can cross over. Cancer may think it has won, yet it is I that has won. So death where is your victory where is your sting. I can look my cancer in the face and say with much boldness and laugh.

So this is what it is like to be me with Cancer, each day I go through this process a living Psalm of David again and again, each day ending the same way with me praising God in the highest for my life and all he has given me.  The road was never promised to be easy, but he did promise me I would never go it alone.

FEELINGS

We had reached another mountain top in my journey with Cancer. The view was spectacular and could see for miles in all directions. Being so high, clouds were drifting under my feet and it felts as if I were walking on them. That night we sang and shared stories. We had trapped a few rabbits and with luck we found some wild carrots and onions. What a dinner we had. My puppy was getting bigger as the days went by and learning so many cute tricks. I slept in a blanket of peace.

The next day I awoke early to watch the sun rise over the next mountain range we were to cross, beyond them I could see the mighty river were my journey would end. Sorrow slipped in, and tears seemed to roll down my checks. It was hard remembering the many things that had happened in such a short span of time. I had to let go of so much and now as I sat there, knowing the end in sight and reminiscing. I hadn’t sat there long before my puppy had jumped in my lap and started to lick my face so excited to see me. I turned around and there was my guild looking at the sunrise.

“I made this for you, for this moment in your life. What do you think of it?”

Speechless at the time I said without turning, “Why do my emotions seem to be all over the place. Yesterday I was so happy, excited, and jubilant. Today I am melancholy, sad, and remorseful. Why can’t I be happy all the time?”

I could see a smile sweep the guilds face, “Do you think that being happy all the time is normal? What if it never rained or clouds covered the area. What do you think would happen to the earth?”

“Nothing would grow” was my answer.

“Your right, so it is with your emotions. I gave them to you to use wisely, to help direct yourself through life’s journey. Fear, let’s look at that, when a fierce storm threatens, is not fear one of the factors that directs you to take cover and protect yourself or others. Fear is not wrong in itself; it is what you do with it that could make it wrong. If you place an emotion in the place where I should be then it directs your path. If you place fear in it, fear directs your path. What if you placed feelings as your guild to direct you, where do you think it may lead you?”

I thought of this for a while and at first could think of anything bad if I was happy all the time. Isn’t that what God wanted me to be was happy all the time?

“No!” He said, firmly.” I have never said be happy all the time. I have said rejoice and praise me at all times, however I have never said be happy. If you allowed that as your guild then only the things that made you happy would direct you. Not all things that make you happy are good. Emotions are good, as long as you keep a focus on what is your real guild. Look at the sun and he turned around pointed to the moon. Those two things are constant. If it were rainy, snowy, or just cloudy you can’t see the sun or moon but you know they are there. It is the same with your emotions. There are going to be days were you are overcome with sadness, fear, sorrow, it may seem as if I am not with you or have left you.  Yet, like the sun and the moon we are always with you although you may not be able to see or feel me. It is through faith that you must believe I am near and through knowing me you will learn of the great things I have done for those who had faith in me.