I think the
one thing people ask me or tell me is how am I so strong? I tell them it is God
who gives me strength, I trust him. They ask me how can you trust let alone
love a God who has let you go through your cancer, you are a good person and
that is not fair.
I have a
secret I have traveled down a road similar to this one, not the same but close.
In 1984 I found out I was to have a child, it was the happiest time in my life.
Every day I woke and talked to it, I felt like it was a reward from God for all
I had been through. I held it close to my heart and there was not a moment that
went by that I was not talking to it, telling it of the day or people passing
by. I had life in me. Then one day I awoke to pain and was rushed to the
hospital only to find out I was bleeding to death I had an ectopic pregnancy. I
awoke from the surgery to find out my child was gone and with it so to I felt I
had died. I was angry, bitter, hurt, and confused. My strength came back and
years slipped by with anger, hurt and bitterness filling my heart choking out
all love. I hated my life and everything in it and about it, yet there was a
small song bird that remained in the garden of my heart that sang a simple
song. I tried to find that little bird that sang but because of the weeds,
thorns, and over grown plants in my hearts garden I couldn't find it.
I found a
master gardener who tore nearly everything out of that garden and over the
years he taken that piece of land and turned it into something quite beautiful
and a quiet place to sit. Now song birds come from all over to sing in my
garden, butterfly’s, and other wild life live there as well.
When the
cancer entered my garden it tried to kill of and take over as did the loss of
my child, but I knew that I could not let it do that. I could not go back to
that dark place where I had come from. Instead I saw the beauty of the cancer,
and I saw how with its own color hues, textures, and unique patterns it show
cased what was in my garden. My master gardener still maintains my hearts garden
and I have learned that each experience I have encountered is like a new plant
being planted in my heart.
