New Years Letter

When I was a young adult and lived in Washington DC as a nanny I saw beautiful home, prestigious jobs, nice cars, and other things the world would say was important. That is what I wanted a nice home, nice car, vacation home, to travel and have it all. I knew with hard work, schooling, and perseverance I would have those things.  There was a time with my blinder on I kept my eye on the goal and didn’t care what I did to get there or who I hurt. In 2000 I graduated with my Bachelor’s in Social Science (Business Administration) with a 3.48 GPA and that was working 40 plus hours a week. I wanted to get a job working for an international company and within 7 years I was. My future looked good and my goal of a corner office on a high rise in New York was realistic.

Then the hands of fate stepped in, and in June of 2009 I lost my job. Shouldn’t say I lost it I was fired. In all my days of working I have never been fired, been let go but never because of “work performance”.  I was not discouraged because my work history was that good. Yet, after 6 months of looking for a job and nothing back to school I went and became a Nursing Assistant. I found a job at a nursing home cleaning up and caring for others. My first few months there my attitude was horrible and quite inflated. During this time I was in the word of God and read about Joseph and when he was sold into slavery, about Christ serving and washing the feet of his disciples. I was humbled and knew that before God could allow me to move up I had to bloom where I was planted.  In time I began to love my job, the people I worked with, and saw their value. Then management saw my value and began to train me in more administration positions. I knew I was going to move up and begin to obtain the goal I had set earlier.

April 27, 2011 all changed with the news that I had cancer and a few days later was told it was breast cancer. With as small as the lump was in my breast, and catching it early I was sure it would be surgery, a bit of chemo/radiation and back to my normal life. However May 25, 2011 all that changed when more test revealed that the cancer had spread to several spots in my breast and lymph nodes and my surgery for the next day went from a lumpectomy to a mastectomy and lymph nodes removed. A little over a week later I was in the hospital again as I had a high fever and was septic. A few weeks later after a PET scan news that the cancer had spread to my spine, chest, and neck was over whelming to me. For a few weeks I saw my own mortality and realized the things I held dear and my goals sucked. It was like getting a test you studied for only to realize the test given had nothing to do with what you had studied for.

How I prayed that God would pass this cup from me, he would give me a joyful heart; he would change my habits and turn them to his habits. Friends from the Fringe Church prayed over me and anointed me with oil. Mom and I went to Frankenmuth where I bought Christmas ornaments to give away. As I knew that my life could be cut short in a blink of an eye.

Now as I sit here just coming back from a get together with those I went to high school with and see all they have done. I am so proud to call them friends. Yet, that competitiveness that use to eat at me drive me has been redirected. The things I use to see as important are not. What eats at my heart is to see a woman sitting in a chemo chair, fear in her eyes and a longing for something better. When I see that it rips at my heart and tears my soul to shreds and all I want to do is to race over and just hold her close to me. To give her hope that it is not the end, that it is just a different path. God has been so faithful to me and I know he wants to be more active in the lives of others as well. That is what has changed in my life these last few years my heart has turned from self to others.

Who know where God is leading me and where he wants me to go. Perhaps I too am like the painting of Thomas Cole, “The Journey of Life” and am in my senior year of life where I no longer want to navigate my boat to some cloud castle but be directed by God to his values of life.