The Room

There was a time when I had choices and could enter a room on my own accord and choose what path that my life would take. I think that the Greeks had it best with all their gods with human frailties. For there are days I think my life is but  a pawn in a gods hand to do with me as he/she seeks amusement watching the situations that unfurl as my journey goes. When I accomplish one mission, I am picked up and placed in another.

It is even more frustrating when you do everything your supposed to do and more and get test results stating you just didn’t do enough or it didn’t work. There are times when I want to quit, hang it up, and just sit with rose colored glasses on. I dislike having cancer it has taken so much from me, my job, freedom, health, and much more. No matter how hard I try there is no real security that all will end well. I may go through all of this and end up in a room with only a bed, dresser and all my earthly belongings about me, unable to do even the basics to care for myself. I open that door and see perhaps my future and it gives me chills. Then I open other doors and see me battle this for years and it taking away my strength cell by cell and in time I am a wasted away. Again I shut that door. Some doors have happier endings but there is always the dark storm clouds seen in the distance. It looks bleak no matter what I do. So all I can do it sit, wait upon the Lord. Proverbs 3: 5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. God doesn’t promise the path will be easy but he will be with you. Joshua 1: 5 b-6a I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will not fail you or abandon you. Be strong and courageous… When I sit in the room and wait on God, he comes in like a small refreshing breeze opening the door I should go into. Sometimes that door is like the Wizard of Oz, like when Dorothy opens the door and everything is in vivid color. There are other times that it is dark and stormy. Each time as I enter into the next phase of my journey I do it with praise in my heart and singing on my lips to a great God. He is unlike the Greek gods who toy with their human counter parts. He has demonstrated time and time again how faithful he is to those who love him. Why should I wallow in my own self-pity and cry out what is fair. When his own son was given so freely for me and his life ended so tragically. Easter is upon us and hat one day gives me hope. I need to keep the big picture in place, even if I lose my life I gain it. The cancer can take me to deaths door and I can cross over. Cancer may think it has won, yet it is I that has won. So death where is your victory where is your sting. I can look my cancer in the face and say with much boldness and laugh.

So this is what it is like to be me with Cancer, each day I go through this process a living Psalm of David again and again, each day ending the same way with me praising God in the highest for my life and all he has given me.  The road was never promised to be easy, but he did promise me I would never go it alone.