Down the Rabbit Hole: Stormy Weather

Down the Rabbit Hole: Stormy Weather: Matthew 14:25-31 25 Early in the morning, Jesus went out to the disciples. He walked on the lake. 26 They saw him walking on th...

Stormy Weather

Matthew 14:25-31

²⁵ Early in the morning, Jesus went out to the disciples. He walked on the lake. ²⁶ They saw him walking on the lake and were terrified. "It's a ghost!" they said. And they cried out in fear. ²⁷ Right away Jesus called out to them, "Be brave! It is I. Don't be afraid."²⁸ "Lord, is it you?" Peter asked. "If it is, tell me to come to you on the water." ²⁹ "Come," Jesus said. So Peter got out of the boat. He walked on the water toward Jesus. ³⁰ But when Peter saw the wind, he was afraid. He began to sink. He cried out, "Lord! Save me!" ³¹ Right away Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "Your faith is so small!" he said. "Why did you doubt me?"

On Wednesday with my oncologist appointment I received news that I did not want to hear. I prayed that God would have the results of my test all be good. I would not have to have a biopsy on a node on my Thyroid and my MUGA scan wouldn’t raise any concerns. Both did not happen.

I want to sit in a corner and cry to God and let him know it’s not fair, why are you allowing this to happen to me? What did I do that again I receive bad news and on the heels of my one year anniversary of my Breast Cancer. Over the past year I have given up so much and changed so much that this should not be happening. Yet, I think of the story of the cross stich and how the back has no real rhyme or pattern to it, it’s when you look at it from the top that the pattern is seen as it is to be. I understand that is my life, I am just looking at it from the bottom and need to put my faith in God knowing he will not allow things to happen I can’t handle. I have to have faith in Him as Peter did when he stepped out of the boat.

The test results are beneficial to me and my doctors, it guilds them in the treatment that will be given. However, the test results can’t direct my emotional well health. Now as time has progressed it has become self-evidence those test result could be the ring in my nose and then used to lead me around where the cancer wants me to go. This can’t happen and although I may not be in control of situation and test results, I am in control of how I will react to them. Like Peter I to have climbed out of the boat, like Peter the storm and waves are crashing about me. However I will not look down or take my eyes off of Christ.

Fighting cancer has become a full time effort not only physically, but mentally and spiritually as well. Each day I prepare myself through eating right, exercising, keeping in the word of God, and being active in the lives of those around me. When people call me a survivor it’s an honor and I appreciate the jester. However survivor just doesn’t fit me and I don’t like the way it looks on me in the mirror. When I sit back and think about it Warrior fits better. Warrior is proactive and defensive, trained in combat and is prepared for what awaits him/her. As I enter each room of the building I find myself I go in prepared for the worse and thankful when all is clear.

I am taking an active role in my health as Peter did when he stepped out of the boat to walk toward Jesus, and like Peter the storm and waves crash about my head and feet however unlike Peter I will keep my eyes on Jesus. For without him I am nothing and could not continue on fighting my cancer like a warrior he has let me be.

Down the Rabbit Hole: FALLING

Down the Rabbit Hole: FALLING: I was walking about on a narrow trail when suddenly the ground gave way and down I fell again through holes that lead upward. When in midf...

FALLING

I was walking about on a narrow trail when suddenly the ground gave way and down I fell again through holes that lead upward. When in midflight I yelled out stop not again. So here I hang suspended in mid fall. I am neither up or down, on the ground or in the sky. Suspended, the air from above is warm and fresh, the air around me is a musty dirt smell, and the breeze from the bottom is cool and a bit refreshing of the hint of a cool spring.

Why did I fall again, what did I do wrong. I was following the path and was to meet up with those in my group in a couple of days. Now I’m here again like Alice falling down a rabbit hole. This is not where I want to be, this is not what I had planned happening to me.

I can’t tell how long I’ve been here, or how long will I stay. Afraid to move, breath, and talk the ramifications of that could be fatal. Noises now begin to register groaning, dirt falling about me hitting the sides of the hole and down deep to the abyss that awaits me. Darkness now encompasses me, and the sweat begins to form on my brow. I can feel things crawling on my skin, little feet and slimy things move across me like a road way. I am afraid and start to look down; I fall a bit and then look up. My head is like a radio station that is not getting one strong signal but hundreds of voice and music filling the void. My breath becomes deep and fast, my heart begins to race out of control. Am I lost, is this it?

Then suddenly a light no larger than a pin head is beside me. A fresh breeze is felt next to me. I look again and the light is getting larger and I hear voice beyond the light. Suddenly a large popping noise is heard; dirt and rocks fall down and up the hole that I am suspended in. The light blinds me, and then the voice. “I will never leave you, nor forsake you. I am here by your side. I am here near you. You are not alone.”

I can bear the place I am, I can wait on the Lord and see where he is taking me. I lean in his arms and rest my hopes, fears, and dreams in his lap.