The Loss

　


                                                          
The Loss

Matthew 2:18 NKJV

"A voice was heard in Ramah, Lamentations, weeping and great mourning,
Rachel weeping for her children, refusing to be comforted,because they are no more.



In 1987 God and I began our clean up my heart that I had given to him completely. The dead carcasses of my old life laid about the yard of my heart. Although I had covered them with a thin layer of dirt to keep them out of site of others yet from time to time I would venture to those corners of my life and uncover them as a sick ritual to punish myself for the wrong I had done.

You must let it go he said, give it to me and I will make it right.

One of those carcasses was laid in January of 1985, I found out I was pregnant, yet this time I could not terminate it as I had planned, something inside me couldn’t do it and I chose to continue this pregnancy. Telling my parents was hard but they reacted with support and love. Then March 23, I my tube ruptured and the child I was carrying was gone. Ripped from me and was no more. When the nurse told me the news I cried out and weep and refused to be comforted. Friends come by and gave me words of comfort, and said I would get over this and forget it. How could I forget this, I have a scar that goes from my groin to my belly button. Every time I dress, or use the restroom this is my reminder of what took place. God had taken my child that I love and had left me alive to live with the consent memory of my short falls. He was a God of vengeance like the Old Testament showed and he was attacking me like a Greek god would do.

Those emotions were so raw and real and He wanted me to go back and revisit this. Why? That is what I want to share with you.

I found a kitten, she was only a few days old, and had been attached by a male cat. It had bit her on the neck area. 4 puncture wounds. Not that big, in time it abscessed and beneath the surface grew. When I took her to the vet he had to cut open the healing wound which showed underneath infection. It had grown so large that it could have killed her.

That was how my loss was to my spiritual life. It lay there and festered until in permeated so much of me. He had to lance it and bring the infection to the surface for it to be eliminated forever.

I was reading scripture and memorizing it, or trying to. When some verses seemed to help me with this process of healing.

Proverbs 3:5 &6, Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on to your own understandings, in all ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct thy path." Galatians 2:20, I have be crucified with Christ no longer I live but Christ that lives in me. The life I live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."



I first had to trust him, have faith in him and let him begin the healing processes, but I had to be honest with him as well. Let him know how I was feeling and had felt.

Question: "God, you don’t know what I am going through, I had a child in me and it was ripped from me and died. You don’t know what it is like to loose a child you love and want.

His replyI had to had a child that I loved so much and I gave him to a people who hated him, spit on him, and killed him. I gave him to you and you also turned your back on him.             Isaiah 53: 1-12.

He did know how I felt, he knew or I should say knows how I felt when my child was taken from me. For one of the first times I felt like he knew me, he was less of a Greek god up on Mount Olympus playing game but a personal God who love me.

QuestionWhy did you let this happen to me, if you are a God of love why did you allow this to take place?

His replyYou live in a sinful world where there are consequences to your actions. It is like running a red light. Person A may run the light and get through it, Person B may run the same light and get a ticket, Person C may run it and get hit by another car and have minor damage and a ticket, and last Person D may run the light get hit and die. Each person did the same thing and the consequences were different. You chose to have sex, consequence to sex is to get pregnant. I chose an IUD and consequence was an etopic pregnancy. For every action there is a positive or negative reaction.

Question:But it was such a hard and unbearable consequence for me to carry.

His Reply:I Corinthians 10: 13 "No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will to allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it."

When I thought about this it was like a V8 moment. That even though this thing had taken place in my life, he trusted me and knew I could bear it. He trusted me. I could look back and remember people saying how well I held up under that loss, that others would not of bore it well. As I thought of that I also thought of that verse. He was there with me and I did not know it.

I recently was talking to my mother about that day, and told her I remembered her at the door talking with the doctors, and that I knew how hard it was on my father, and where was he as I did not remember him being there. She said he was by my side holding my hand and never left it. He was consistently telling me he loved me and he would always be there for me. That there was nothing I could do to stop him from loving me. I didn’t remember that, it was the same thing with God, he was always there for me even if I am aware of it or not he is always there.

Question:If everyone has a purpose in life what was the purpose of my child’s life? It was taken before it could really live.

His Reply:Turn the needlepoint you are working on over and look at the design on the backside. Can you tell what it is? No it is not clear to you at this time, because it is a work in progress and I am only privy to that at this time. Proverbs 3:5 & 6, You must trust me, and not lean on what you think you know. Some things can’t be revealed. Like a child who is young you tell them not to touch the stove for they may get burned. However to explain the details of why is beyond a 2 year old to understand. That is where Faith comes into play and to see my character. Matthew 7: 9-11. Even a evil father will give good gifts to his children, how much more will I take care of you.

I was humbled by his reply to me, for he was correct he was God and in this matter I must trust him, I may not understand now or ever why this had taken place but God loves me and he would never leave me or allow me to bear something I could not handle. He trusted me and that alone comforted me. He also knew what it was like to loose a child, as he gave us his only son. How that must have ripped at him, to be away from someone he love so much. Like the needlepoint I look at the bottom and the picture is unclear however one day all will be revealed to me and if that is not I can say, "It is well with my soul".